My Mother Is A Telenovela Junkie

I’ll admit it; my mother was and is a telenovela junkie. Back in the day she used take care of three kids, my pop and run the house but still managed to stay current with all the new novelas. Today she takes care of my baby niece Madison (a post on her galleta-esque name later), my older baby niece Alyssa, my dad and of course still knows who’s bangin who on Telemundo and Univison’s latest soaps. My point is that growing up telenovelas were all around me, so I obviously glanced at a couple. Rosa Salvage, Maria Celeste and the funniest of the bunch the original Yo Soy Betty La Fea. As a pre-teen and teenager it was all about those softcore porn-esque actresses—you’d think South America was only populated by rich blonde Euro-looking models.

This brings me to VH1’s Viva Hollywood, which premieres next Sunday. It seems that VH1 has had enough of exploiting black caricatures like Flavor Flav and is eyeing hot tamales with accents as their next target. Check out the trailer above it includes almost every Latino cliché in the book: we’re hot, sex-crazed and emotional, which essentially means we live the vida loca. VH1 did you forget we also love us some beans, are God-fearing, practice Santeria and rock jean shorts with Timbs in the summer. OK, the latter is a Brooklyn thing. Am I guilty of watching the Flav shows? Yes. Will I watch Viva? Yes. Otherwise how else can I shit on it without having valid points? My bigger question is will my mother watch it? Probably. How else will she know who’s next in line to bang her favorite actor?Plus setting black people back 50 years was sooo 2006; it’s our turn now.

Do you think Viva Hollywood will be as horrible as staring at Maria Conchita Alonso’s wrinkly deflated geriatric pancake butt? Or will it be as good as the original Ugly Betty?

Uno,

Jesús