Monday, March 9, 2009

NYC, Characters Not Welcome

To say New York City is full of interesting people would be the freakin’ understatement of the century. This weekend was evidence that New Yorkers aren’t just interesting but annoying, dumb, gentle, negative, and did I mention annoying. Below are some of the “characters” I encountered this weekend.

Mr. Chicken Wing
He was a hefty guy at the doctor’s small office …with two buckets of KFC and a four-month-old baby. He proceeds to eat said fried chicken and feeds his baby some fried bird as well. Oh, and it’s 11AM.

Mrs. Nosey
A Puerto Rican woman sitting in back of me in the doc’s office; she’s chatting on her cell phone. Her topic: The fat guy feeding fried chicken to his baby. She tells her friend in Spanish, “He must be at least 300 pounds…he looks like a whale…oh my Lord he’s feeding that baby fried chicken.” She spoke low enough so only the people in front of her could hear…I mean she didn’t want to cause a scene.

Chatty McGee
She’s my dad’s home health aid on the weekends. My father had to be taken to the hospital because he was dehydrated (he’s good though). Well, on the way to the hospital Lizbeth (who would make Gilbert Godfried a joy to be around) asks me what “pipe” means in English. I respond, all the while concerned with about my father, and she says laughing, “In my country that’s a man’s genitals.” Great!

Dr. Happy
The doctor assigned to my pops was the kindest physician I’ve ever met in an ER. Nice, informative and an overall sweetheart.

The Orderly
I simply couldn’t understand her. She comes into my father’s room and talked gibberish. Then she proceeds to move him to another room. “TJKGJTFHJFJHGJG” is what she said.

The Shitter
He was in the room next to my pop. He was coughing up a lung, reeking of urine and eventually feces. Turns out he shitted on himself and we had the luck of being there in the front row.

The Nasty Nurse
After the nonsensical orderly moved my father into the same room where the shitter was only minutes ago I asked the nurse to move him. She coldly said, “No.” Think Little Britain USA (see below). My wife then proceeded to wish bodily harm on her.

The Clerk
And to bring it home for the weekend we have the South American supermarket clerk with the lazy eyes. On Sunday, we hit up Key Food and my wife made a new friend. As the clerk began scanning our food she also began to chat my wife up about her poodle. “The poodle is so perrty, my uncle gonna have to pay for her to get operated. She perrty…and pregnant.” The customer behind us began clutching her fists because LES (Lazy Eyes) is taking her time. She finally finishes scanning all the food and then messes it up with a Key Food gift card. Once she fucks up she runs away to get her manager. Her pissed off manager comes over and fixes the register. The closer: As we’re leaving LES screams out to a fellow co-worker, “Pirullo…yo me voy a las ocho!”