Driving Down The Block In A New Car!

I'm not a car guy. Matter of fact the main reason I got my driver's license (at 26) was to get my wife off my back. You see she's been driving since ‘99 and I've been on the R train since ‘89. I still haven't conquered the highway yet but I will. I say all this because this past Saturday I became a car owner, well, co-owner. My wife's Ford Escort was busted like Eliot Spitzer. Even though Betty (the old car’s name) got us from A to B she had no air conditioner, oil stains and was just an old hag at this point.

So Saturday we went to a WKTU (my wife’s 9-5) client and got somewhat of a deal, as much as you can get from a car salesman. After an hour we settled on a Nissan Altima 2008. Several hours later we were signing papers for the hundredth time. Every time Leo, this funny hairy (not a stereotype, he looked like he was wearing wool sweater) Italian, would say something it sounded he was inventing words on the spot. Again we got a decent deal but I couldn’t help but feel like Beecher from Oz, pause. BTW We named the new car Miles because the color is dark blue. Do any of y’all have any car dealership stories?

Uno,

Jesus

Tall, Blonde And Not Latino

So the sis-in-law met Andre 3000 the other day in a NY minute. He was tryin to bag but with a lil’ hesitation she said there was Mr. Dee in her life. I was a bit surprised because she's more of Common Sense girl. Anyway it got me thinking on the top five women that my wife would give me a ‘get out of jail free’ card. Here goes: Salma Hayek, Iris Chacon (in her heyday), Beyoncè (Fuck Jay-Z), Scarlett Johansson (Fuck Ryan Reynolds), and Jessica Alba (Fuck Cash).

She only has a top three and they are David Beckham, Paul Walker (dude from Fast & Furious), and Daddy Yankee. You guys see a trend here. Two out of three of her picks are tall, white and blonde yet she married a short, stout Latino. Three out of five of my picks are Latinas and my wife's assets could rival Iris’ any day. Good thing I make her laugh and that she thinks Beckham’s voice is atrocious. BTW: If you have Iris’ number tell her to holla! I just wanna say 'hola.' Who’s in your top five?

Uno,

Jesus

Straight From 1994

The homie John Nota hooked me up with a lovely collection of the best rap singles from ‘89 to ‘99. Grand Puba, Tribe, Chi Ali, Naughty by Nature, Slick Rick...basically all the joints I had on cassette when hip-hop was in the middle of sweeping me off my feet, pause, just in case. Along with this great collection I also paid the 11 bucks to see The Wackness, whose soundtrack is ‘94 to the core, last week.

All these back in my day tracks makes me remember when I was a rebellious lil’ scumbag tagging "Gee Cue" (yes I stole it from Omar Epps), defying my parents and smoking cheeba like my fave MCs. This one time some herb (remember that term) wanted to be down with our crew. So we broke up a cig, took the tobacco and placed it in a Phillie. Duke smoked it and began swerving on his bicycle. He even crashed into a wall. What a douche? But shoot we were all immature, awkward and trying to be down.

Uno,

Jesus

You’re Not Preggers? Great!

Coming home from the Nas concert (damn, HD is right. Duke is stationary on stage.) last night my wife called me and told me that she wasn't pregnant. I did one of those freeze frame jumps; you know the way every ‘80s sitcom ended. You see, the wife was feeling sick the last couple of days, throwing up and such. I’d be lying if I said I wasn't shaking in my mandals.

Not that I'm not ready for a baby because no one is...you learn on the job. If she was it would be a blessing from Dios and I would have successfully avoided that pesky minority having kids out of wedlock stereotype. I rather just wait a bit. My two lil’ nieces suffice not to mention Madison's upcoming punching bag aka her unborn sibling. So when the time comes I'll get my Heathcliff Huxtable on and be the best papi I can be. That's papi as in father not papi as ‘Ay papi!’

Uno,

Jesus

The Tardy Sisters: Never On Time

I told y'all my wife and sis-in-law are the Tardy Sisters. Well, for those who haven't met the Pantoja twosome just look up the definition for CPT². You see Colored People Time isn't enough to describe how late they are...it's like an art with them. Time is their dirty bitch and they do whatever they want with it.

My wife was an hour late to our wedding and if she can she'll be late when lil' junior is born. She purposely made her car clock 15 minutes fast so she can always think she’s running late and arrive to her appointments on time. Oh and Dee, the homegirl and lateness have a torrid love affair. She treats time like an ignored stepchild that she smacks the shit out of when she does pay attention. In either case I’ve gotten used to my wife’s lateness and she’s gotten a lil’ more punctual due to my influence. The lateness only affects me when we have to do something with my fam or friends. If it’s her peeps she can change outfits as much as she wants because I’m not to blame. What’s one of your significant other’s flaws?

Uno,

Jesus

A Shot Of Henny For Marriage

Going into the homie's Felix birthday party on Saturday I didn't expect to get some good advice. I expected to do some Henny (only for the bday boy). As I went for a cigarette break (again only socially) with Felix and an older gent (pause) we started talking about marriage.

The old fella dropped a crazy gem. This is what he roughly said: "As the man you don't have to wear the pants nor does she have to. It's about compromise; share the pants. Also, try to avoid heavy arguments and above all keep your wife laughing. I always kept her laughing. My wife died last year after 40 years of marriage. It took her to pass away for me to realize how much I loved her. I try to make it to the cemetery every day but I can't." Whoa. We then went inside to do three shots of Henny. That one was for marriage. OK, no more mushy posts for awhile.

Uno,

Jesus

“Fuck you, you fuckin’ GPS!”

This past weekend I celebrated the cuzzo’s (Teji) birthday. The night started off in LES, then at Columbus Circle then back to LES. Initially it seemed like it was going to one of the rare misses I have with my friends. Thankfully lots of liquor and early ‘90s hip-hop saved the night. Not that I got drunk or even buzzed but I find it more entertaining when others down a shot or 30. Case in point—Yoli! The homegirl can hold her liquor! One of the delights of seeing an inebriated Yoli is the amount of expletives this girl can say in a sentence. Remember how Jay-Z used to rap when he rolled with Original Flavor…well double that.

We’re on the ride back to Queens dropping off the peeps. First up Carl, who lives in some part of the Q, which Yoli refers to as “Where the fuck do you live, man?” She then starts to cuss out the GPS. “Fuck you, you fuckin GPS. They should fuck you in the ass you fuckin GPS!” OMG. It was gold I tell ya. She excuses herself for “sounding like an immigrant” when she stumbles on some words and starts singing a racy version of ABBA’s “Dancing Queen.” So this post is dedicated to our homegirl Yoli. You’re a riot!

Uno,

Jesus