Zack & Miri Make A Porno & Lil’ Jesus Watches It

I really want to see Zack & Miri Make a Porno this Friday but the wife isn’t down. She’s had her fill (pause) of Seth Rogen and his stoner comedy. I haven’t. Plus, it reminds me of the first porno I watched; don’t worry no graphic details here. I was 9 or 10 I believe, and everyone in my apartment was sound asleep. I crept out of bed and went to the living room to watch some cable. I had been curious about the channels with the squiggly lines and moans aka the pay-per-view porn channel. Little did I know you could order it with the touch of one button! I started finagling with the remote control until finally it came on.

Gulp! Next thing I see is boobies and ass and I’m fascinated. I lower the volume and essentially start watching a silent porno called Love Button 2. I only watched s couple of minutes because my sister came out and I got scared shitless. A couple of weeks pass by and the cable bill comes…dum, dum, dum. My sis is like, “Who ordered Love Button 2?” Gulp! Everyone acts bewildered and I play along. Long story short I ordered some more movies the following month and the pussy…err…cat was out of the bag. My sis gave me the “talk” and they put a parental lock on the cable box so I couldn’t press any ‘love buttons’ anymore. Somehow, I didn’t grow up to be a porn addict; probably because of that parental lock. How old were you when you watched your first porn?

Uno,

Jesus

No Way Jose

Being named after God’s child is a pretty big responsibility. I love my name and wouldn’t change it for the world. So why do some people insist on calling me “Jose.” [Read here for past blog]. A publicist today emailed me (meaning she had my full name) and said “Hey Jose.” Is it that they simply assume since I’m Latino and have a name with a “J” that it must be Jose. Plus, Jesus is as common among Latinos as Ali is among Muslims.

After I emailed the publicist to say “my name is actually Jesus;” she apologized and I kept it moving. One of the many things I’ve learned from the wife is that people like it when you say their name correctly. Whenever we go to a restaurant she makes it a point to get the waiter’s name. Then after every interaction she’ll say, “Thank you, [Waiter’s name]. It’s a small gesture but it goes a long way.

Uno,

Jose, errr, I mean Jesus

Omar Cruz Is 'Top' Dog

The big homie Omar Cruz finally dropped a video for his radio-friendly, Frankie J-assisted “To the Top.” It’s straight L.A.; it kinda of reminds me of Pac’s “I Get Around” clip but with a bunch of Latins in the mix. It was directed by Wilmer Valderrama (ehhh) and Fez also makes a corny cameo in it. But take the greasy fucker out of there and you have yourself the real OC rhyming and J singing angelically, pause. Support Latinos in this rap ish.

Uno,

Jesus

I Heart Manny Ramirez (Pause)

Once I read this funkymind post I started thinking duke is right. Men won’t admit when another dude is good-looking. It’s what we do. I have three famous dudes I would really like to chill with (pause) not because of their looks but because they seem to be cool ass dudes.

1.Manny Ramirez—I love when Manny is being Manny. The dreadlocked dominicano makes any team he’s on instantly better. Plus, he always seems to be having a great time whether it’s demanding a trade or when he’s at bat while Style P’s “I Get High” plays in the background. Sidenote: A co-worker of mine referred to him as Man Ram! Pause! He’s a right-handed hitter not a switch hitter.
2.Juanes—This cat is simply amazing. His music is dope (I used his song, “Nada valgo sin tu amor,” to propose to the wife) and he’s always donating time and money to Latin America’s disenfranchised.
3.Guy Fieri/Bobby Flay—The wife says these are my man-crushes, pause. But even if they were could you blame me? They look like they’d be down to hit up a baseball game and then cook for you. Bobby throws everything on a grill and Guy hits up diners for a living—dream jobs if you ask me.
Bobby Flay

In summary, I hope Manny becomes a Met, if you listen to any Spanish music at all make sure Juanes is on your list and Bobby and Guy can cater my daughter’s quiñcenera.

Uno,

Jesus

Beaners Still Love Beans...You Should Too

As the world economy is approaching Mad Max times (I exaggerate because I’m a journalist) all is well with Goya. According to the Pasadena Star News the largest Latino-owned food biz is close to clocking in $1 billion in sales this year; which leads me to believe that in times of social distress Latinos can always rely on a can of beans. But it’s also a direct result of more people cooking at home rather than shelling out for a restaurant meal.

"People tend to go back to the basics," said Evelio Fernandez, Goya's vice president. "We've seen spikes in the sales of rice, beans and cooking oils. People aren't eating out at restaurants, they're cooking at home. That's why we continue to grow."

I always knew that my lifelong love affair (thanks Mom) with beans would pay off in the long run. Butt trumpets and all the bean is king in the Trivino clan, as well as the Pantojas, Guzmans, etc. So hop on the bandwagon and enjoy some rice and beans with your Latino friends. Just make sure to exit the room when you feel the stomach bubbles don’t try to cough that shit off. We’re on to you.

Uno,

Jesus

[Source]

Tattoos? What Tattoos?

Don't let the smile fool ya.
The two tattoos I have are very significant to me but what will I tell my children? You see, the other day I was hanging with my 2-year-old niece, Madison aka the Mad One, and she was as, she always is, a handful. I was rocking a wife beater and she pointed at my tat on my right upper arm; it’s of an Incan symbol my grandfather carved decades ago. She pointed at it, poked at it and then proceeded to lick it! I immediately stopped her and she then picked up a bag of stale Cheetos and poured it over my head. Nice kid, right? Just kidding, I love the brat but more importantly it got me thinking, what am I going to tell my children about my tats when they want to get one?

A)I’m your father and I am the law in this house. B) Tattoos? What tattoos? C) Ask your mother? In reality, I’ll probably just state the truth: I was 24 when I got my first tattoo (it’s on my right leg and says “Free Press” and coincidently burns every time I switch to Fox News) and I paid for it with my own dinero. The second tattoo represents my culture, family and was done by Chris Nunez from Miami Ink. Best of all it was free because it was for a magazine profile on him. Sweet! But I'll probably just say, “Go ask your mother.”

Uno,

Jesus