I Heart Manny Ramirez (Pause)

Once I read this funkymind post I started thinking duke is right. Men won’t admit when another dude is good-looking. It’s what we do. I have three famous dudes I would really like to chill with (pause) not because of their looks but because they seem to be cool ass dudes.

1.Manny Ramirez—I love when Manny is being Manny. The dreadlocked dominicano makes any team he’s on instantly better. Plus, he always seems to be having a great time whether it’s demanding a trade or when he’s at bat while Style P’s “I Get High” plays in the background. Sidenote: A co-worker of mine referred to him as Man Ram! Pause! He’s a right-handed hitter not a switch hitter.
2.Juanes—This cat is simply amazing. His music is dope (I used his song, “Nada valgo sin tu amor,” to propose to the wife) and he’s always donating time and money to Latin America’s disenfranchised.
3.Guy Fieri/Bobby Flay—The wife says these are my man-crushes, pause. But even if they were could you blame me? They look like they’d be down to hit up a baseball game and then cook for you. Bobby throws everything on a grill and Guy hits up diners for a living—dream jobs if you ask me.
Bobby Flay

In summary, I hope Manny becomes a Met, if you listen to any Spanish music at all make sure Juanes is on your list and Bobby and Guy can cater my daughter’s quiñcenera.

Uno,

Jesus

Beaners Still Love Beans...You Should Too

As the world economy is approaching Mad Max times (I exaggerate because I’m a journalist) all is well with Goya. According to the Pasadena Star News the largest Latino-owned food biz is close to clocking in $1 billion in sales this year; which leads me to believe that in times of social distress Latinos can always rely on a can of beans. But it’s also a direct result of more people cooking at home rather than shelling out for a restaurant meal.

"People tend to go back to the basics," said Evelio Fernandez, Goya's vice president. "We've seen spikes in the sales of rice, beans and cooking oils. People aren't eating out at restaurants, they're cooking at home. That's why we continue to grow."

I always knew that my lifelong love affair (thanks Mom) with beans would pay off in the long run. Butt trumpets and all the bean is king in the Trivino clan, as well as the Pantojas, Guzmans, etc. So hop on the bandwagon and enjoy some rice and beans with your Latino friends. Just make sure to exit the room when you feel the stomach bubbles don’t try to cough that shit off. We’re on to you.

Uno,

Jesus

[Source]

Tattoos? What Tattoos?

Don't let the smile fool ya.
The two tattoos I have are very significant to me but what will I tell my children? You see, the other day I was hanging with my 2-year-old niece, Madison aka the Mad One, and she was as, she always is, a handful. I was rocking a wife beater and she pointed at my tat on my right upper arm; it’s of an Incan symbol my grandfather carved decades ago. She pointed at it, poked at it and then proceeded to lick it! I immediately stopped her and she then picked up a bag of stale Cheetos and poured it over my head. Nice kid, right? Just kidding, I love the brat but more importantly it got me thinking, what am I going to tell my children about my tats when they want to get one?

A)I’m your father and I am the law in this house. B) Tattoos? What tattoos? C) Ask your mother? In reality, I’ll probably just state the truth: I was 24 when I got my first tattoo (it’s on my right leg and says “Free Press” and coincidently burns every time I switch to Fox News) and I paid for it with my own dinero. The second tattoo represents my culture, family and was done by Chris Nunez from Miami Ink. Best of all it was free because it was for a magazine profile on him. Sweet! But I'll probably just say, “Go ask your mother.”

Uno,

Jesus

Fielder & Sabathia Enjoy Sausages (No Pause); Mr. Met Crys Like A Puto

The headline says it all...(tear).

Uno,

Jesus

Republicans + Mets + Marriage = Gray Hair

I have a couple of gray hairs on my head (pause)! I can’t believe that at 28-year-old I have four strands of gray fuckin’ hair. The good thing is that you can only notice it if you’re face-to-face with me—which only my wife is. I guess there are three reasons for my gray hairs.

1.Republicans—The thought of having another four years under the Republican regime and the proposed bailout plan has me popping up with gray hairs in unsightly places (pause). Like my toes.
2.The Mets—Not since the Knicks of the ‘90s has my fanhood been tested like this. It’s like I’m a proclaimed sadomasochist by saying I’m a Mets fan. Sometimes it’s easier just to jump on the winners’ bandwagon…but the Yankees suck even more than the Mets this year. Orange and blue forever (tear).
3.Marriage—As much as I love my wife the few times we have arguments I feel like a douche, a gray-haired douche at that. (See here).

But I won’t let the wife pluck’em. I’ll sport them with a badge of honor and watch less Mets games.

Uno,

Jesus

I’m An Asshole (No Pause) Husband Sometimes

I feel shitty when I have spat with my wife. She’s the only person ever to make me feel like a douche after a fight. We got into over some stupidity (on my part) this past weekend and it completely messed up my vibe. Monday came and we still weren’t talking. My workday was difficult because she was on my mind. Should I get her flowers? Nah, then it will take away the value of flowers when I get it for no reason. Should I buy her a gift? I would but it’s a recession, homie. Wait! Hallmark will do the trick. I’m a writer so why not buy someone else’s words to describe my emotions?

Anyway, the point here is that when I was dating and get into arguments with my gfs I would be fine. I would say hurtful things and wouldn’t give a flying fuck. Obviously, it’s because they meant nada to me. Yes, I was an emotionless asshole boyfriend at times. But not now! Since I started dating the wife our fights have always weighed heavy on my conscious because she means the world to me. And that my friends is a tell-tale sign that you’re in love.

Uno,

Jesus

If You’re Dating A Thug…

I thought the whole fascination with dating a thug was gone but I was wrong. The above clip shows singer, La La (whose been attempting to pop off for years now) and her tips on dating a dbag thug. She would know because she’s got a single called “Sprung on a Thug” (nice, right) and she’s from L.A. where cholos are as rampant as hipsters at an underground rap show. Point here is that there should be no tips on dating a thug; these mofos don’t date they fuck and keep it moving to the next chick.

If you’re dating a thug now you probably a) have low self-esteem, b) believe you can change him and c) are probably under 21. I assume most girls have their bad boy stage but there are a lot of good dudes, pause, out there who don’t gang bang, deal coke or beat on you, in a bad way. Growing up I knew “thugs” and I even chilled with them but then I grew up. They didn’t. There’s one cat that sticks out in particular. We used to chill, smoke, and tag up in junior high. We lost touch after graduation. When I was a senior in high school and on my way to college I tutored some GED students at a local community center. I recognized him in my first class and once he saw me he bounced immediately. You see, it’s all about change but if you’re 28 and still have a G mentality then you’re gonna lose.

Uno,

Jesus

PS: I never sold crack, either.