Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Immigrants Work Hard…Duuhhh!


I planted a tree this past Saturday. I shit you not. The wife and I volunteered to plant trees in Pomonuc Park in Queens. I always wanted to do something green especially after watching Al Gore’s An Inconvenient Truth. This was the first time in a long time that I actually did hard manual labor. The last time was probably when I was skinning chickens with my pops at the butcher shop. I could do it, I just put my back into it (word to Cube).

One of Yva's co-workers also attended. She ended up on a team of about 10 or more people, Yva and I were on a team of four including us. Her co-worker kept on telling us her team was going to out-tree ours. Umm ok. What she didn't know was that my team was chock-full of hardworking immigrants or immigrant offspring. It was myself and the wife (brown people with parents who speak English so broken you’d swear Fat Joe sat on it), Fernando (a Latino straight off the boat) and Yi (a Korean store owner, seriously). Shit all we needed was a Jamaican and we could’ve started and finished demolishing Shea Stadium. Some onlookers even thought we were just regular city workers because c’mon if you see a bunch of minorities digging up soil you’d think the same. We planted our first tree in no time. Why? Well, as any immigrant or their children will tell you it's in our genes—word hard or you will not survive. So next time I need to get my hands dirty I’m calling Fernando.

Uno,

Jesus

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

I Lost Weight Now my Wife is Idolizing Lorena Bobbit


I've been fighting the battle of the bulge since the second grade. And the mofo's been winning more often than not. It’s tough coming from a Latino family with all the delicious food my mom can whip up. As a child I was a plumper because I had extra helpings of her food not fast food…actually I probably didn’t have a Big Mac until my high school years. I was only in shape from 17 to 21 or so. Matter of fact I was kinds of diesel thanks to creatine and protein shakes (horrible way to create muscle). Well, I lost interest once my internships (career) became a priority. It got out of hand when I started dating the wife—you know what they say when you're happy and don't need to impress to get nalgas your gut expands. Well, I still want to impress the wife, of course, so in January I started doing Weight Watchers and so far I've lost 30 pounds. I know I got a long way to go but it’s a great start. Below are five things I noticed since I lost a Thanksgiving Day Turkey (to feed a Mormon family) from my body.

1. I don't sweat when I pick up a pencil or peel an orange (I keed of course, but I do sweat a lot…just not as much).


2. I have more energy...like a lot.

3. I attempted to wear Jim Jones (tight) jeans and they actually fit.

4. I'm addicted to 100 calorie snacks. But now I actually have one at a time.

5. My wife is practicing her Lorena Bobbit technique because the Boston Market girl flirted with yours truly. Pull, jerk and cut...right hun. Gulp!



Uno,

Jesús