Thursday, August 28, 2008

Mrs. Fat Joe > Fat Joe


So Fat Joe recently celebrated his 38th born day with his wife or wifey (I don’t think they ever married) in NYC. All I could think when I saw the pics was, “Damn, Joey lucked out.” I’m pretty sure he snatched Lorena before he was a rapper or definitely before his rap career became profitable. I’m not saying she’s a model Latina but this colombiana is definitely a looker. And while we’re talking about wives: Mrs. Fat Joe > Mrs. Big Pun.

My homie Carl said she looks like a “slut bag” but I’m pretty sure Joey sticks his Pillsbury dough, pause, into plenty of groupies. But that’s not the point. The point is Joey like Chris Rock hooked up with the first good looking woman that would give them play and never looked back. Probably because they wanted a safety net just in case they didn’t make it. What other celebs have married a better-looking wife? You tell me.

Uno,

Jesus

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

John McCain Yanks El Cangri’s Vote



Has Daddy Yankee forgotten what it is to be a poor kid in Puerto Rico? Probably. The riches from his mega hit “Gasolina” have finally spoiled his mind . . . and his music (you heard his awful “Pose”). Now El Cangri is vouching for Republican presidential candidate John “War! It’s Good For Everything” McCain.

"We talked about boxing, we're both boxing fanatics," he revealed to Latina.com. He continued: "He said, 'Yankee, I was a soldier. And I saw people die next to me, Latinos who never got their citizenship but who were willing to die for this country. I saw a Hernandez, I saw a Rodriguez, how they killed them.' And that broke my heart hearing that. And I went, man, this guy lived it. He’s not just going, 'hey I want your vote.' He lived it."

And he wants more of our young people to die. I for one am not keen on politicians or the boys in blue for that matter but unless you’re a rich Cuban why would you back the Republican nominee? Lesser of two evils, Yankee. Yes, McCain has been supportive of The DREAM Act but that was then and now he doesn’t even want to answer a survey about Latinos. Just because he didn’t talk to you like you were an idiot doesn’t mean he has your gente’s interests in mind. Smarten up, Yankee.

Uno,

Jesus

Monday, August 25, 2008

Latina Mom Groupies, TKA & Freestyle Music



I have a dirty little secret: I love freestyle. Not freestyle where MCs spit off the dome but the type of music that guidos know all the words to. Blame my sisters for buying those vinyl records in the late ‘80s and early ‘90s—TKA, George Lamond, and a bunch of other brown folk. Fortunately for me the wife works for KTU, the only NY radio station that still plays freestyle. This past Saturday we attended Beatstock, think Hot 97's Summer Jam minus weed smoke plus spiky hair. The headliners were Danity Kane and Pussycat Dolls. Kane hit the stage minus the slutty one and came off rushed but PSD definitely upstaged Diddy's experiment. Oddly enough the freestyle acts closed the show; probably because they were paid in platanos (side note: they're 3 for a dollar now!). First up was Coro and his trio of dancers, who I'm convinced were his wife, son and brother.

Up to this point it was a predominantly Italian American affair but once the first visible beaner (DK’s Aundrea isn’t repping hard) hit the stage a Puerto Rican flag popped out of nowhere. Attached to it was a middle-aged boricua lady with a beer in hand and a nice Lemon Tree haircut. Then came Cynthia (“Change on Me”) and Cindy Martinez, who we referred to as Saggy Martinez because her titties were high-fiving her knees. After these scallywags came two of the few freestyle acts who had talent—Lamond and TKA. Lamond, who doesn't look a day over 30, belted out “Look Into My Eyes,” “Where Does That Leave Love,” etc. Aside from his intro, where they reminded everyone that he was signed to Columbia (tear) his set was on point. TKA took over the crowd with their infectious hits: “One Way Love,” “Maria,” and more. K7, their lead singer, still has killer chops and has also aged well, pause. All the while I was thinking do these guys still get groupies? They must because they got “oohhs” and “ahhhs” every time they moved their packages, pause. Come to think of it some well-aged Latina mom ass should be better than a groupie at a hair metal contest. Here's the wrap-up: dope concert, great memories, long live freestyle.

Uno,

Jesus

Friday, August 22, 2008

The Game’s Spanish > Prodigy’s Spanish



Back when the media hyped “Latin Boom” was going down in the late ‘90s, many a rapper would sprinkle their rhymes with Spanish words and even diddled Latina mujeres (I see you Diddy). For the most part, they just came off cornier than tortillas. Now in 2008 I’ve heard one good Spanish-inspired rap track and a bad one by non-Latino MCs.

The first one was Prodigy’s “ABC”; granted it was done by a machine which it creepy in itself and overall wack. The other one I heard today courtesy of my homie J-Rod. He posted “Spanglish,” a bonus track off of The Game’s LAX. Game actually does a great job repping for Latinos, albeit, Mexicans because he is from L.A. and La Raza is king over there. He drops Spanish slang used mainly by gang bangers mejicanos like the cats in American Me. Game’s song doesn’t come off as a weak attempt to garner a Latino audience because he’s been down with us for a minute. Last year he co-signed the West Coast’s Latino rap hope, Omar Cruz, who I’ve been staunch supporter as well. So cheers to The Game for showing that black and brown can come together. Now if only Obama would take a page from Chappelle’s book and select a Latino vice president. “Siiiiiiiiiii!”

Uno,

Jesus

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Tall Guys vs. Short Guys (Pause)



The other night the wife and I were watching a 20/20 special about the top 10 sexual myths. The usual topics were covered like, Do women prefer a large dong? Pause. If you were wondering it's yes fellas; and the wider your tool, pause, the bigger the Kool Aid smile on your girl. All that aside the one myth that hit home was the height factor.

I've never had a problem with my stature. Maybe back in junior high when the first girl to develop chesticles was taller than me shot me down for a date. But that was it. Yva was squirming around during the segment saying, "I love your height." Yeah, OK and I love shopping for dresses with you. She loves me, yes, but I'm the opposite of who she used to date. She told me she used to date guys who were 5"11 and up, car owners, and were gangbanging douchbags. I kid of course about her only dating car owners. Either way I was the shortest guy she ever dated. Lucky for her I always dated girls with plump bottoms. Real lucky. Have you ladies ever dated a short dude?

Uno,

Jesus

I Bought My First New Rap Album In 4 Years…



One of the best perks of being a rap mag editor was getting all the hot new music for free. They came in bunches especially when I sparked up deals with label cats; they would send me CDs and I would send them mags. But once I got jaded with the state of music, specifically rap, all the free ish just started collecting dust. Now, being an editor of a Latino site I can still hit up my contacts for free CDs but I rarely do. Or I could ask one of my homies to burn me a copy. But I don’t anymore.

But today, for the first time in four years, I bought a new rap album. I say new because I have splurged on CDs from the early ‘90s like Red’s first album. I went to Borders and picked up Ice Cube’s Raw Footage. Why would I pick up an album by a family flick actor? Well, because he’s still muhfucking nasty and he's also responsible for birthing this gangsta rap shit. Cube, and many of my compadres will agree, is rapping with a purpose like he's still jackin for beats. While paying for my Cube album I also donated a book for the NYC Public School system. How often can you say I bought a gangsta rap album and donated a book to a public school? Exactly.

Uno,

Jesus

Monday, August 18, 2008

“You only made eggs for yourself?” Yep!


Once you get married you become a union...you're one...and all that crap. Meaning if you're unselfish as a single guy then you'll become a bit more self-centered with a wedding band on. If you're selfish to begin with well you'll just be reminded by your wife...over and over again.

Case in point: I get up a bit early today to make some egg whites on wheat toast (trying to get my healthy eating on). We usually don't make breakfast during the work week but I was planning to do so because we bought eggs at BJs, pause, and because well you gotta save nowadays. I told her the night before, “Do you me to make you breakfast?” She said, "No, I’ll probably be out of here by then." Cool. I get up and go straight to cooking and say hello to the wife. I was moving hastily because I had to leave for work. Once I’m in the bathroom, I hear Yva from the kitchen yelling, “You only made eggs for yourself!" Yes, dear because in my half asleep body I had two things on my mind: cook my breakfast and wash my ass. She said something else but by that time she started sounding like Charlie Brown's teacher. Oh, and in case you haven't heard I'm selfish.

Uno,

Jesus

Say It Ain’t So Uncle Ralph!


This weekend reminded that I’m a lounge-type of dude nowadays. It’s not a married dude thang it’s more of a state-of-mind thang. Saturday night the wife and a few friends went to Hawaiian Tropic Zone in Times Square. We waited outside for a couple…far too long for my taste and once we were in we went straight to the bar. The crowd was mixed but in a bad way—there wasn’t a definitive flavor. You had posers, players, drug dealers and hoochies all around but with no possible flow.

My frown was turned upside down once I saw who was DJing. Ralph McDaniels! The Video Music Box OG—Ralph “I directed some dope ass Wu Tang videos” McDaniels. He was spinning some current joints (ie: Weezy) which had the crowd amp. The set was going live but it turned sour quick. First he freezes after a song. No music! I’m assuming it doesn’t happen often since he is an NYC legend so I gave him a pass. But the next offense was just corny. After a Wayne set he puts on Elvis Crespo’s “Suavemente.” He might as well just put Gerardo’s “Rico Suave.” The crowd looks baffled and so do I. The only ones dancing were the WPs with their Asian gfs. On this night Uncle Ralph truly came off like your uncle—old and corny.

Uno,

Jesus

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

(Some of) Spain Shows Its True Colors



Have you heard the one where the Spanish national basketball team makes “slanted eyes” for a flick? No? Well, it’s not that funny. We as Americans, yes, are a tad more PC than the rest of the world but some actions are indefensible. The shot above was an ad sponsored by Spanish courier company, Seur and ironically enough also by Chinese company Li-Ning Footwear to appear in Marca, a Spanish mag. As a Latino AKA of mixed Spanish and Indian blood I understand how La Madre Patria can be. Dating back to when they conquered AKA raped mi gente’s (Incas) land, Spaniards have always looked down on Latin Americans.

I’m sure most Spaniards are not racist but this pic only reinforces that stereotype. “No eres de sangre pura (You’re not of pure [Spanish] blood),” they would say. That’s why as much as Spain is a cosmetically beautiful country I have no intention of ever visiting. That’s why when they lump Antonio Banderas, Penelope Cruz and even the great Javier Bardem into Latino Hollywood I ain’t claiming them. They’re Spaniards, Europeans and Hispanics meaning from the Iberian Peninsula (Spain & Portugal) not meaning the U.S. government label placed upon us.

Here’s a response from one of the Spanish team’s ballers, Jose Calderon, who also plays for the Toronto Raptors.

“We did it because we thought it was going to be something nice, something with no problem,” Calderon told Yahoo! Sports. “But somebody wants to talk about it. It is too much of a big deal with you guys (the media) and everybody talking about that.”

SMH. Yep, I guess it was the media back in the 1500s that spawned the villainous image of the gold-grubbing, raping Spanish conquistador. Oh no, wait, that was history.

Uno,

Jesus

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

“And she loves to show me off, of course / Smiles every time my ‘byline’ is up in The Source”



Like every hip-hop journalist before me along with some of my contemporaries, one of my wishes was to get a byline in The Source. This is before it became more like a badly-run record label than our Rolling Stone. Along with Slam, The Source was one of the only places I could see bylines with Latino surnames like Rodriguez. So in 2004, once Adam Matthews introduced me to Jerry L. Barrow, one of the last fine editors from The Source, it was on. JB can attest; I hounded him every week until he gave me an assignment. Our phone convos would go like this: “Heeey, Jesus,” he would say. “Hey Jerry, how have you been? How’s the family?,” I would ask. Mind you, I didn’t even know his fam at that point.

In either case, I called so much that he finally decided to give an assignment. It was a “Microphone Check” on F.A.T.S., Rodney Jerkins’ artist who never dropped an album. I eventually received a kill fee because the piece didn’t run but I eventually did get my Source byline. It may sound corny or insane now but it was one of the proudest moments in my life. Not only did I get my name is my book but a first name like “Jesus” I’m sure I inspired other Latino kids to grab their pen and pad. Why did I drop this story now? Well, because the rejuvenated Source dropped their 20th anniversary issues this week with Nas and LL Cool J on separate covers. Covers shot by BK’s own Spike Lee. So for the first time in years I’m gonna cop The Source to save it with the rest of my mags. Now if they could only figure out a way to pay some of peeps for their work.

Uno,

Jesus

Friday, August 8, 2008

New Beat Heat: Damu The Fudgemunk


Damu The Fudgemunk - Soul Brother Number 3 - Damu's 3 a.m. Freestyle from j. nota on Vimeo.

In a past life I used to be a rap mag editor. Specifically to a tome that focused on producers and DJs. So I greet any new beats with open ears. Such is the case for Damu the Fudgemunk. The kid’s got crazy game behind the boards. My homeboy John (fellow one-time RPMer) is working with Damu and is doing great things. Don’t believe me, just ask Marley Marl.

"Very refreshing to hear a young cat with that much soul." - Marley Marl

Damu, a D.C. native, has dropped another dope beat collection, Overtime. I talked to the mellow brudda and duke has got beat for years…he ain’t running out. Plus, the best part in our recession daze, you can get it for free. Free! Go below to get it!

Uno,

Jesus

Download Overtime

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Pitbull Finally Spits Some Political Ish



So now that Pit is a free agent it seems like he’s finally rapping about more than culo. Don’t get me wrong culo is a great topic but there are more important things in life than a piece of tail. In hindsight, this is the single that should have been on the politically-titled (but not really) El Mariel. In either case, good job Pit. Below is his statement on the video.

"It’s unfortunate that I have to cut a record telling the truth, at least in my opinion, about my own country and the corrupt ways it is being ran,” says Pitbull. “However, on that note I want to let all the soldiers representing our country know, thank you for protecting us and may God bless you all."

Uno,

Jesus

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Kanye West Is The Best Live MC



Let me preface the following post with this tidbit: so far this year I’ve attended a Jay-Z concert and a Nas concert. They both need to step their concert game up. Kanye West, hate him or love him, puts on a great show. I went to his Glow in the Dark tour last night at Madison Square Garden and dude blew, pause, me away. The joint started out with a good set by fellow G.O.O.D. Music MC, Consequence which was followed by Lupe Fiasco.

Sporting an all black ensemble he went through his bangers “Kick, Push,” “Hip-Hop Saved My Life,” and “Go Go Gadget Flow.” Lu is mad animated jumping up and down while his guitarist does his best Eddie Van Halen impersonation and plays his instrument with his teeth. As he brings out Mathew Santos to perform “Streets On Fire,” I notice Farnsworth Bentley next to us with a plain Jane melanin deprived mujer. (Take note: If you want to go from a G to a Gent follow Bent’s example). While Lupe concludes his set with “Superstar” I notice one thing—over half the crowd looks like the Swedish Olympic team. The other half were full of “artists” from Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

Next up: N.E.R.D. I’ve never been a huge fan but after their performance I’m intrigued to check their new joint out. With a psychedelic background Pharrell goes through his rock-inspired joints off of Seeing Sounds, along with old songs like “Rock Star,” and “Lapdance.” In one instance Lupe comes back on stage and starts dancing during their set. Towards the end Pha starts grinding with the models on stage. Set done…waiting for Ye.

The Chi MC opens his set with a space theme. His spaceship “Jane” crashes and Ye goes into “Good Morning.” Duke is wearing a cross between Mad Max garb and a medieval knight armor along with his beard, which is thicker, pause, than usual. After performing “Heard’em Say,” Jane says, “Remember this is not your first crash.” Ye blasts into “Through The Wire,” does an incredible chopped and screwed version of “Get’Em High,” “Diamonds from Sierra Leone” while the crowd throws up the Roc. Playing along with his theme, a dinosaur comes out and swallows, pause, Ye. He comes out in a few and goes into “Can’t Tell Me Nothing,” “Flashing Lights,” “Spaceship,” and “All Falls Down.” He turns his attention to Jane and tells her, “I need some p***y.” Which Jane responds, “I can help you out with that.” A cyber image of a King Mag model appears and he performs “Gold Digger.” He wraps up the night with “Jesus Walks” (along with “Jesus Walks” dance), “Hey Mama,” plays a Journey song to play up to his “diverse” crowd, “Stronger and during his encore “Homecoming.” All in all Ye puts on a phenomenal show. He’s taken a page from KRS and dare I say it Hammer to make his stage show one of the best in music period. Jay and Nas got nothing on Ye’s live steez. Nothing.

Uno,

Jesus

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

De La Soul Will Snuff You

So if “hipster rappers” are so “hipster” why are they getting arrested? Just recently Naledge and Double O were in some deep caca out in Arizona. O got his ass beat by a bunch of bitch ass bodyguards and Naledge got arrested trying to defend his boy or something like that. Whichever the case the label they have as “hipsters” is false. Just because they dress a certain way and real hipsters (ya know the ones that live in Williamsburg and soap is their Kryptonite) love their tunes. It’s a case of that pesky labeling us journalists like to do.

Some of the gulliest MCs have been so-called positive rappers. Go ahead, I dare you to step to any of those De La Soul dudes. They’d lose their “Buddy” demeanor at the drop of a hat. At the end of the day a man is just a man—if provoked he will defend himself. Even Latinos have been victims of labeling by the media and government. “Latino” is better than “Hispanic” but is it really identifying all of us. I don’t think so.

Uno,

Jesus

Monday, August 4, 2008

Joey, Vito, Enzo and Them



I used to go to high school with dudes like in the clip above. I also dated girls like this in high school. Guidos and guidettes are to Italian Americans as spics are to Latinos—an embarrassment. It was a specimen like the one above that called me a spic for the first time in my life during freshman year in high school. I didn’t know what it was exactly but it didn’t feel right. Here’s the scene: I’m sitting below my locker waiting for my next class. Two lames come by and start talking loudly enough for me to hear them. One of them blurts out “spic” but I didn’t pay any attention. Mind you I’m at a predominantly white Catholic high school by way of a scholarship. He continues, “This spic’s mom is probably cleaning my house right now.”

I get up and we start throwing verbal attacks back and forth. I then get my Latrell Sprewell on and start choking dude and he does the same until we get split up. I’ll never forget it. So now guidos don’t bother me as much because well, fortunately, most of them get jobs as DJs for Sweet Sixteens or tanning salons. Everything happens for a reason. Someone was going to use the S-Word one time or another it just so happens I was 14 the first time. When was the first time you were called a racial slur?

Uno,

Jesus

I Used To Love Them

What a difference a ring (and some years) makes? Back when I was 18 I remember loving the summer for one big reason: short shorts. The girls of Sunset Park, BK, aka hoodrats used rock'em throughout the three hot months. They would come in a variety of designs but they all had one thing in common: they were shorter than Bridget the Midget (too much Howard Stern). I would put the sunglasses on and check'em out and at times kick my 18-year-old game to them. It didn't matter if they had ass for days or pancake butt; a short short would make it seem like they had a dope bubble. Also, in these instances a wedgie is the best thing that could happen.

Today it's much different. If I do look at these girls it's in a completely different light. A feeling of sadness—like this is all they aspire to being eye candy for dudes. Mind you some of the girls that I checked for back in the day are still busting out their shorts in June. Only now they're mothers and not the milfy kind. I saw this 14-year-old yesterday rocking shorts so tight it made her legs red with grown ass men hollering. She reveled in the attention. Now I know I might get some slack from some of y’all. But there’s a time and place for any type of garb. In the bedroom, for a King Magazine shoot (I see you Sean) or if you’re a Brazilian supermodel. But imagine your girl walking around in some tight short shorts getting hit on by lames. Not a good look. Having nieces and especially wife now all I could do is a feel sorry for her. The only way she thinks a woman can be sexy is by showing off the goods. Cue “Sally’s Got A One Track Mind.”

Uno,

Jesus

Ride With Me

Last week the J-O had a launch party for their new show Model Latina. Needless to say some peeps got f-ed up with the open bar. One person was the wife. She eventually hurled chunks and that was that. But an even more surprising event occurred that night. Check it: it's me, Teji, Yaneth, Dee and her inebriated sis. While she usually does the driving I was up to the plate. I’ve never driven from Manhattan to any of the boroughs . . . until now.

We parked in a tight, pause, spot so I told Teji, the only other sober one, “Yo can you pull out?” Pause. She got Queensbridge on me and said, “Nah, yo. Man up. You can do it." I shriveled, pause, up a bit; she should have finished the job and bitch slap and given me an atomic wedgie. Aight. I managed to pull out, pause, with her help. Started driving and I was doing well. Until Drunkie McGee starts, "I'm so proud of you. You've never driven from the city." Blah, blah. I made it to the Q in one piece and I got the driving bug now. Let me ride (word to Dre)!

Uno,

Jesus