Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Karl Malone Is Not A Man


I've been NBA-crazed lately with the playoffs and all the excitement that comes with it. Surfing slamonline (shout out to Ben O.) I saw a hyperlinked headline about Karl Malone. Apparently the Utah Jazz legend had a bunch of kids out of wedlock. It's not surprising that an athlete sprayed his seed like an automatic weapon but coming from Malone, who in his heyday was as clean cut as Steve Carell, it was rather surprising. He took better care of John Stockton. In either case Malone fathered Demetrius Bell, a recent seventh round pick of the Buffalo Bills.

Allen Wilson, the writer of the piece in the Buffalo News, wrote that Bell first met Malone after he graduated high school. By then Wilson writes, Malone told Bell it was too late to be his dad and he'd have to earn his own dinero. Whoa, what a scumbag. Did I mention that Bell's mom was 13 when Malone, a college sophomore at the time, impregnated her? Asshole. Thinking back on my dad he was a gem next to the Mailman. Yes, he downed too many drinks in his day, he wasn't emotionally available (man up, son), and other discrepancies I’d rather not mention. But I always had a roof over my head and all the essentials a kid in the barrio needs. Even when I got my first decent gig and didn't need him financially he'd slip me a $20. I doubt the Mailman delivered anything to his son aside from pain. Now you begin to see why a Hall of Famer like Malone never won an NBA championship. Karma's a mutha. What do you think?

See complete story here.

Uno,

Jesús

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Tossin’ & Turnin’

This past weekend I was single again. And I felt awkward without mi media naranja. Yes, I chilled with my boy Rony, who I haven’t seen in a long ass minute and yes, I took my parents out to a nice dinner. But when I was inactive and vegetating on the couch watching the NBA playoffs I missed my wife’s voice in the background. “Why do they shoot behind that line? Did they score a touchdown?” Hmmm, well maybe I didn’t miss her while Philly was shocking the Pistons.

But it was a different story once I settled into bed on Sunday night. I was tossing and turning. I put some pillows next to me to pretend there was a body. Nada. It didn’t help there was a cat in heat outside, meowing like it was being violated by Dirk Diggler. I finally dozed off around 5AM. Got up in a couple of hours, wiped the cold out my eyes and went off groggy to work. Last night my wife came home from her mini vacation; she showed me her pictures (she had more pics with her best friend’s dog than her best friend…go figure). Next thing you know I’m sound asleep. Am I being too dependent on her or do I just need any warm body next to me to fall asleep? How do you feel when you’re away from you’re spouse or gf/bf?

Uno,


Jesus

Monday, April 14, 2008

Viva Stereotypes!

So I watched the first episode of VH1's Viva Hollywood last night and boy is my culture offended! First off, after some thought, the title is incorrect. The only big success story from the telenovela scene is Salma Hayek, according to ma dukes. Even the Golden Girl host of VH, Maria Conchita Alonso, had mild success in the States. It’s a pipe dream.

On to the show; I believe 10 out of the 12 contestants had accents and yes walking stereotypes (word to Chingo Bling, Charo). This one cat named Berto, after telling the camera he’d lay pipe to Maria’s cobwebby Conchita, says he’s been with his girl for 10 years. He also says he’s a very sexual person. Then later that night he proceeds to swap bodily fluids with some chick named Gisel. Ahhh that’s why he doesn’t marry his girl because he a Latin Lover! Oh it doesn’t stop there! When voting contestants off, they must go into “the chapel” and use a tarot card “La Muerte” to cast their vote. Christianity and Santeria! Oh joy! There’s more but the racism is just killing me inside (word to Chappelle). Now I understand when my homes Carl told me he couldn’t stand to watch an I Love New York episode. I thought it was hilarious; he just thought it was sad. What did you think of the first episode?

Paz,

Jesús

Friday, April 11, 2008

I Need Some Elbow Room


I'm a chubby guy and I know this. Especially on the train. If I see a fellow chubber sitting on one end of the seat and a skinny chick on the other there is no way I'm trying to squeeze in the middle seat. Yesterday some heavyset chick didn't know the rule. She sat right in the middle of me and some skinny girl. My right side is plastered against the wall and my left side has attached itself to her right ass cheek. I would have stood up but it was rush hour and it was packed. It wasn't until Roosevelt Ave. when the straphangers dispersed and she motioned herself off of me. All you heard was "smack.” Imagine the sound a big suction cup makes. So note to my chubby gente out there be mindful of where you place your baby phat. What’s your subway story?

Uno,

Jesús

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

I’m Funny How?



“I’m a clown? I’m here to amuse you?”—Joe Pesci (Goodfellas)

That’s exactly how I felt last night as I had dinner with the wife and sister-in-law aka The Tardy Sisters (more on that later). I brought a book to dinner, yes I know it’s impolite but hey I’m with family. They started gossiping and I start reading like a lil’ nerd then my wife says, “That’s really impolite.” I ignore her and proceeded to be a bookworm.

She keeps on calling me rude until she finally says, “You know if you weren’t reading that book you could be entertaining us. Making us laugh with your silly antics.” I felt a lil’ like Pesci at that moment. So does that mean I have to be on every time I go out with them? Apparently so but I didn’t take it as that much of an insult because what they consider funny is how I normally act. That’s not to say sometimes I just want to be quiet and not bothered. Plus when my youth is gone, I’m still going to have the wife cracking up with my “silly antics.”

Uno,

Jesús

Monday, April 7, 2008

My Mother Is A Telenovela Junkie


I’ll admit it; my mother was and is a telenovela junkie. Back in the day she used take care of three kids, my pop and run the house but still managed to stay current with all the new novelas. Today she takes care of my baby niece Madison (a post on her galleta-esque name later), my older baby niece Alyssa, my dad and of course still knows who’s bangin who on Telemundo and Univison’s latest soaps. My point is that growing up telenovelas were all around me, so I obviously glanced at a couple. Rosa Salvage, Maria Celeste and the funniest of the bunch the original Yo Soy Betty La Fea. As a pre-teen and teenager it was all about those softcore porn-esque actresses—you’d think South America was only populated by rich blonde Euro-looking models.

This brings me to VH1’s Viva Hollywood, which premieres next Sunday. It seems that VH1 has had enough of exploiting black caricatures like Flavor Flav and is eyeing hot tamales with accents as their next target. Check out the trailer above it includes almost every Latino cliché in the book: we’re hot, sex-crazed and emotional, which essentially means we live the vida loca. VH1 did you forget we also love us some beans, are God-fearing, practice Santeria and rock jean shorts with Timbs in the summer. OK, the latter is a Brooklyn thing. Am I guilty of watching the Flav shows? Yes. Will I watch Viva? Yes. Otherwise how else can I shit on it without having valid points? My bigger question is will my mother watch it? Probably. How else will she know who’s next in line to bang her favorite actor?Plus setting black people back 50 years was sooo 2006; it’s our turn now.

Do you think Viva Hollywood will be as horrible as staring at Maria Conchita Alonso’s wrinkly deflated geriatric pancake butt? Or will it be as good as the original Ugly Betty?

Uno,

Jesús

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Rapists Play Video Games Too



Last weekend I became an online gamer. Initially my inner 12 year old came out to play when my wife got me a PS3 for Christmas. I played for hours. But I’m a grown up now with responsibilities and eventually it started collecting dust. Until last weekend. I decided to get online and play against real people, well, cyber people. Getting it hooked up was an ordeal in itself but once I was online I popped in NBA Live and it was on. It was beyond weird. I played about four games to start and every time I confronted a new opponent I asked myself: "Am I playing against a 10-year-old, someone my own age or a rapist?" Answer is I really don't know. So next time you play online make sure to clench your culo just in case the rapist got your address off your profile.

Uno,

Jesús

How Did You Get A Book Deal?


I consider myself a good journalist and writer. Yep, they are two different professions; think MCs and rappers. I also know a lot of my friends and acquaintances are phenomenal behind a keyboard. So you can understand my frustration with bad writers who get book deals. I’m not talking about Homeboy Books either, these cats are getting deals with publishing powerhouses like Simon & Schuster. Now I'm not gonna name names but you know who they are. They always start off an article with a quote (my professor would call that lazy). They are longwinded and have hackneyed kickers. Still, it gets worse when these weak writers think they're the ish. It's like a Whoopi Goldberg fronting like she’s Naomi Campbell. Holla if you hear me!

Uno,

Jesús